Every bard worth their salt knows at least a few songs designed to get a tavern roaring with laughter. “The Tale of the Three-Legged Milk Maid” is one of those tunes—a bawdy ballad that thrives in smoky inns, rowdy fairs, and late-night campfires.
It’s not just a song—it’s a tradition. Wherever adventurers wander, someone has heard a version of it, though the lyrics vary wildly depending on who’s singing and how much ale they’ve had.
Tale of the Three-Legged Milk Maid on Instagram
Lyrics (Common Version)
[The song begins with a jaunty, plucky lute rhythm, like a tavern tune. The bard sings with a conspiratorial wink.]
(Verse 1)
Oh, a dashing young bard with a silver-tongued way,
Made a date with the Lord's lovely Lady one day.
The hours flew past, a moment of bliss,
'Til the creak of the door warned of trouble and hiss!
(Verse 2)
"Oh, dearest," she cried, "the Lord's back from his tour!"
Then she tossed me, quite naked, from her chamber door.
I fell in the courtyard on laundry so white,
And wrapped myself up, a most pitiful sight!
(Verse 3)
With a bonnet and smock, I moved through the hall,
Hoping to leave, unseen by them all.
But a guard with a helmet too tight on his head,
Said, "Why, lassie, your hands are as soft as my bed!"
[The tempo slows and becomes more dramatic, with a rising anticipation in the music.]
(Chorus: Audience joins in, swaying with a tankard in hand)
Oh, the Guard and the Milkmaid,
Beneath the pale moon!
The Guard with his thick head,
And the Milkmaid with a boon!
He thought she was lovely,
He thought her a prize,
'Til a third leg appeared
Right before his eyes!
[The jaunty lute rhythm returns, faster than before.]
(Verse 4)
He looked down in confusion, he looked up in shock,
That a maiden should hide such a powerful rock!
His mouth opened wide for a terrified plea,
But I couldn't be caught by a brute such as he!
(Verse 5)
With a swift little flick of my delicate hand,
I swung my milk pail, as the moment was planned!
He fell like a sack, his wits knocked askew,
And I ran from the castle, with one sock and no shoe!
[The music becomes a joyous, frantic crescendo as the bard finishes with a flourish.]
(Outro)
So the next time you see me, and question my fame,
Just remember the maid and her fanciful frame!
For no lord or no guard can ever ensnare,
A bard with three legs and some laundry to spare!
Bardic Effects (Optional Rule)
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Performance Check Bonus: Singing this song in a tavern grants a +2 bonus to Persuasion (Performance) checks with common folk.
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Tavern Perk: Any audience amused by the song is more likely to buy drinks, share rumors, or let their guard down.
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Risk: Nobles, clergy, or stern officials may find the ballad offensive, imposing disadvantage on Persuasion checks if they overhear.
Adventure Hook
A bard is overheard singing the bawdy tune too close to the wrong noble’s estate—and now the party is being hunted for “indecency.” Or, a local village swears that the song is based on a true story…
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