DM's Toolbox: Universal Random Tables (Revised)

 

Building on Redcap’s Universal Table, these expanded 2d6 tables use bell-curve probabilities to generate instant, unforced inspiration when you're stuck behind the screen. Common circumstances land right in the middle 44%, while dramatic complications and miraculous breakthroughs occupy the 3% extremes.

The 2d6 Probability Spread

• 2 (3%): Extreme / Complication (The worst or most bizarre manifestation)

• 3–5 (25%): Unfavorable / Sub-optimal

• 6–8 (44%): Neutral / Standard / Typical

• 9–11 (25%): Favorable / Advantageous

• 12 (3%): Exceptional / Beneficial (The best possible outcome)

1. Door, Gate, or Container

• 2: Sealed & Lethal: Locked, barred from the other side, trapped, and heavily alarmed or warded.

• 3–5: Impeded: Stuck, rusted shut, or bolted, requiring force or tools to clear.

• 6–8: Standard: Unlocked, standard closed door, or a routine container lid.

• 9–11: Unlatched: Unlocked, ajar, or easy to force open with minimal effort.

• 12: Wide Open: The latch is broken, the hinges are rotted, or it swings wide to reveal immediate access.

2. Treasure Quality & Composition

• 2: Cursed or Empty: A cruel decoy, a trap disguised as a hoard, or items heavily cursed upon handling.

• 3–5: Scraps: Minor copper/silver coinage, rusted gear, or cracked, low-value gemstones.

• 6–8: Standard: Mixed coinage, standard trade goods, or practical supplies appropriate to the location.

• 9–11: Valuable: Fine gold pieces, unblemished gems, or a reliable minor magic item (scroll/potion).

• 12: Exceptional Hoard: Rare masterwork weaponry, heavy precious metals, and significant permanent magic.

3. Weather & Atmospheric Conditions

• 2: Cataclysm: Severe, dangerous weather unique to the region (massive blizzard, flash flood, blinding sandstorm, gale-force squall).

• 3–5: Inimical: Heavy rain, biting frost, thick choking fog, or oppressive heat that taxes travelers.

• 6–8: Typical: Seasonable, ordinary weather for the current climate and time of year.

• 9–11: Pleasant: Clear skies, gentle breezes, and comfortable temperatures.

• 12: Pristine: Perfect, invigorating conditions that grant small morale or fatigue recovery bonuses.

4. Trap & Hazard Severity

• 2: Multi-Stage Engine: A complex, room-filling death trap combining mechanical pits, gas release, and dart batteries simultaneously.

• 3–5: Punishing: Standard hidden pit, swinging scythe, or heavy falling block designed to maim.

• 6–8: Minor Nuisance: Tripping wire releasing an alarm bell, a collapsing floor tile, or a sticky snare.

• 9–11: Flawed: A crude, poorly maintained trap that is easy to spot or fails to discharge properly.

• 12: Dud: An ancient, rusted trap that crumbles to dust upon triggering or was already disarmed by time.

5. Roadway, Corridor, & Tunnel Layout

• 2: Dead End / Collapse: Passage blocked by a massive cave-in, sheer drop-off, or impassable barrier forcing a retreat.

• 3–5: Turn & Obstacle: Sharp left/right turn cluttered with debris, mud, or fallen masonry.

• 6–8: Straight / Standard: Continues straight ahead for a standard stretch of distance.

• 9–11: Junction: Clean T-intersection or cross-corridor offering choices of direction.

• 12: Open Hall / Ramp: Opens into a wide chamber or features a clear incline/decline (stairs, ramp) leading to a new level.

6. NPC Immediate Disposition & Demeanor

When the party abruptly corners someone, bursts into a room, or asks a stranger a blunt question before an encounter distance is rolled:

• 2: Hostile & Belligerent: Draws steel, screams for guards, or instantly initiates a dirty trick.

• 3–5: Suspicious: Guarded, evasive, demanding to know what the party wants, and unlikely to share information for free.

• 6–8: Neutral / Guarded: Cautious, transactional, or waiting to see what the party does next.

• 9–11: Cooperative: Willing to talk, helpful, or looking for a mutually beneficial arrangement.

• 12: Extremely Helpful: Offers immediate shelter, inside information, or a valuable tip unprompted.

7. Unidentified Potion, Scroll, or Oddity Effect

When a player drinks an unlabeled mystery potion or pokes an ancient, glowing contraption without casting Detect Magic:

• 2: Backfire / Toxic: A potent poison, a permanent stat penalty, or a violent magical feedback loop.

• 3–5: Minor Malfunction: A fizzle that spoils the item, a minor temporary debuff, or an embarrassing cosmetic side effect (turning blue, hair loss).

• 6–8: Dud / Inert: The magic has faded, leaving flavored water or an unreactive trinket.

• 9–11: Beneficial Hit: A standard, helpful magical effect matching the item's suspected nature.

• 12: Potent Resonance: Maximized duration, double potency, or a secondary permanent perk unlocked by pure chance.

Behind The Scenes

 

"Genie" drafting layouts and proofing pages.

There’s a specific kind of quiet that settles over a workspace when you’re trying to build something for this hobby from scratch, armed with little more than stubbornness, an old coffee mug, and a layout program you’ve wrestled into submission. Running a corner of the OSR and tabletop world like Portcullis isn’t about slick publishing houses or endless marketing teams. It’s just a three-person shop grinding through the unglamorous hours, trying to hammer out tools that actual tables can use without feeling like they were spat out by a corporate algorithm.

The real work doesn't happen in the polished final PDF; it happens in the messy, iterative trenches of drafting and layout. You start with a raw idea—maybe a half-baked notion about adjusting damage thresholds for backstabbing or overhauling how random urban encounters feel when the party wanders into the wrong alley—and you scribble it down during the lulls of a 12-hour night shift. By the time it actually hits the digital workspace, you're elbows-deep in trying to make a page layout breathe. It's hours of tweaking column widths, adjusting leading, and fighting with image placement so a piece of concept art doesn't awkwardly orphan a paragraph of encounter text. You're balancing the visual weight of a page to make sure it looks like it belongs in an old-school digest, avoiding that sterile, modern layout trap while still keeping it readable under the dim light of a gaming table.

Then comes the editing grind. Half the time, staring at your own prose makes your teeth itch, which is why leaning on tools to strip out self-consciousness and tighten up the voice is half the battle. You want the writing to have teeth—crisp, direct, and evocative—without losing that distinct, basement-brew flavor that makes independent publishing worth reading in the first place. You trim the fat, fix the pacing on a wandering monster table, and make sure the mechanics actually do what they claim on the tin.

Promotional material is its own unique brand of stubborn art. Whether it's drafting up a layout for a new toolkit, sketching out a cover concept, or trying to render a scene that captures the exact moody grit of a dungeon crawl, you're constantly iterating. You generate dozens of variations just to get the lighting, the mood, and the character details to stop drifting away from what you actually envisioned. It’s tweaking prompts, discarding whole batches because they look too clean or too digital, and hunting for that specific atmospheric grit that feels like a battered 1980s supplement.

At the end of the day, it's a grind fueled by stubborn affection for a hobby that shaped decades of gaming. Nobody is getting rich putting together random tables and modular rules on a blog; you do it because you want material out there that feels lived-in, honest, and built for people who still roll dice the hard way.

Player Tips: Quick Note Taking (FREE Log Sheet!)

 

Copy of this Log Sheet can be downloaded HERE!

The most common pitfall for new players is trying to act like a court stenographer. Transcribing dialogue word-for-word or recording every room dimension pulls focus straight out of the game, bogs down combat turns, and leaves behind a wall of text nobody ever reads again.

Quick, high-utility note-taking is about triage: capturing actionable game levers and leaving the narrative fluff to memory.

The Four-Bucket Page Setup

Divide a single sheet of paper into four quadrants (or set up four distinct blocks in a plain text file). Never write sequentially down the page in narrative order. Group notes by function:

• Who & Where: Names of people and settlements. Always jot an anchor next to names: Eldrin (one-eyed blacksmith, hates the guard) or Oakhaven (burned mill, north edge).

• Active Leads / Quests: Verbs and targets only. Skip the lore justification and write the direct imperative: Retrieve iron key from cellar beneath the sunken shrine.

• Loot & Resources: Track who holds party items, spent consumables (torches, rations, healing draughts), and debts or favors owed.

• The "Weird Details" Scrapbook: Unsolved oddities the GM mentioned twice—strange crests, a recurring scent, a specific locked mechanism. If the GM spent thirty seconds describing an odd carving, write down three words about it.

Use Shorthand Levers Instead of Full Sentences

Strip all grammar, articles, and conversational filler. Record only Actors, Actions, and Consequences.

• Instead of: "The merchant told us that bandits ambushed his caravan three miles down the old trade road near the river ford."

• Write: Bandits: Old trade road (river ford, 3 mi out). Hit caravan.

Use consistent symbols for speed:

• → leads to / went to

• ? rumor / unverified clue

• ! urgent threat / time limit

• $ cost, reward, or shop price

• ⚔ hostile NPC / combat encounter

Designate Table Roles

If everyone tries to track everything, the whole table gets distracted; if nobody tracks anything, the party forgets the baron's name by hour two. Dividing the administrative load keeps players fast and engaged:

Role	Core Duty	What Goes in the Notes
The Chronicler	Major plot beats & NPC roster	Names, locations, agreed promises, deadlines.
The Quartermaster	Party treasury & gear tracking	Gold tallies, magic items found, rations/torches used.
The Scout / Mapper	Spatial orientation & dungeon flow	Rough node maps, door statuses (locked/wedged), exits.

Even if you aren't playing with formal party roles, picking just one domain—like deciding your character is the one obsessively tracking the party's coin and supply counts—gives a new player an easy, manageable lane.

The Three-Minute Post-Session Routine

The best notes are useless if they go stale between sessions. Right when the GM calls the session, take exactly three minutes before packing dice to do three things:

1. Mark the Immediate Next Action: Write in bold at the top of the next page what the party decided to do first when the next session starts ("Kick in the cellar door" or "Visit the apothecary for antitoxin").

2. Circle Unresolved Threads: Put a star or box around any promise made to an NPC with a ticking clock.

3. Cross Off Dead Leads: Strike out finished tasks so the active list stays short and readable at a glance.

Comments? Complaints? Questions? You can reach us by using our Contact Form in the upper right-hand corner of the page, or post your questions and comments below. We look forward to hearing from our readers.

3d20 Insult Generator: Shakespeare Insult Table

 

Anyone who has played a bard, or found themselves in the company of nobility will often find occasion for insults. As a DM, I ran across several versions of an Shakespeare Insult Generator table. Here is one examle for DM's and players to use alike, should they require inspiration.

Roll 3d20 (or three individual twenty-sided dice) to construct a period-authentic slight: preface the result with "Thou..." and combine Column A + Column B + Column C.

d20	Column A (Adjective)	Column B (Compound Descriptor)	Column C (Scoundrel / Noun)
1	artless	base-court	apple-john
2	bawdy	beef-witted	barnacle
3	beslubbering	beetle-headed	bladder
4	bootless	boil-brained	bugbear
5	churlish	clouted	canker-blossom
6	cockered	crook-pated	clotpole
7	craven	dog-hearted	flap-dragon
8	fawning	dread-bolted	flax-wench
9	frothy	flap-mouthed	fustilarian
10	gleeking	goatish	giglet
11	goatish	guts-griping	horn-beast
12	gorbellied	knotty-pated	lout
13	loggerheaded	moldwarp	malt-worm
14	lumpish	plume-plucked	mammet
15	mangled	pox-marked	pigeon-egg
16	mewling	rank-scented	puttock
17	paunchy	rough-hewn	ronyon
18	pribbling	sour-faced	skainsmate
19	spleeny	swag-bellied	varlet
20	villainous	tickle-brained	whey-face

Verification & Immediate Usage

• Example Roll (7, 12, 19): "Thou craven, knotty-pated varlet!"

• Example Roll (16, 2, 6): "Thou mewling, beef-witted clotpole!"

• Example Roll (3, 9, 1): "Thou beslubbering, flap-mouthed apple-john!"

You may be asking, what is an apple-john?

An apple-john (often written apple-john or john-apple) is an old variety of winter-keeping apple known for its ability to last for up to two years without spoiling.

Rather than rotting, it cures by drying out, losing moisture until its skin becomes heavily wrinkled, withered, and shriveled like old leather while the interior flesh remains sweet and edible.

Why It Was an Insult

In Elizabethan slang, calling someone an "apple-john" was a jab at someone who looked prematurely aged, withered, flabby, or physically shrunken. It often carried an added snide implication of impotence—someone past their prime whose vigor had completely dried up.

Shakespeare uses the term specifically to mock Sir John Falstaff's age and paunch. In Henry IV, Part 2 (Act 2, Scene 4), Falstaff takes deep offense to the comparison:

"The prince once set a dish of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It angered him to the heart..."

Falstaff refuses to stomach them precisely because of the insult:

"Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince once set a dish of Apple-johns before him... I could not abide Apple-johns."

Mechanics at the Table

If you are using it in game dialogue or social encounters:

• Literal meaning: A dried, wrinkled, brown winter apple kept past season.

• Target: An aged, desiccated, or withered individual—especially an older braggart trying to act like a young rogue.

• Modern equivalent: "Dried-up prune" or "wizened old fossil."

Glossary of Terms:

Column A: Adjectives

Word	Elizabethan Meaning	Practical Context
artless	Crude, lacking craft, uncultured, ignorant.	Someone entirely devoid of wit, refinement, or skill.
bawdy	Obscene, lewd, vulgar.	Coarse-mouthed or driven strictly by base appetites.
beslubbering	Slobbering, smeared with filth, foul-mouthed.	A dirty, drooling, or verbally repulsive speaker.
bootless	Useless, futile, unprofitable.	Someone completely ineffective whose efforts yield nothing.
churlish	Rude, ill-mannered, peasant-like, surly.	Boorish behavior entirely lacking in basic decency.
cockered	Spoiled, over-indulged, pampering oneself.	A soft, coddled person unused to hardship.
craven	Cowardly, spineless, defeatist.	One who flees or begs for mercy at the first sign of peril.
fawning	Groveling, sycophantic, flattering for gain.	A boot-licker ingratiating themselves to those in power.
frothy	Light, insubstantial, brainless, empty-headed.	All talk and no substance, bubbling with worthless nonsense.
gleeking	Scoffing, sneering, mocking, gibing.	One who makes cheap, derisive jokes at others' expense.
goatish	Lustful, lecherous, rutting.	Driven entirely by unrestrained sexual or animal appetite.
gorbellied	Corpulent, fat-bellied, gluttonous.	Over-stuffed, gross, and weighed down by gluttony.
loggerheaded	Blockheaded, thick-skulled, slow of wit.	Hopelessly stupid and incapable of grasping simple points.
lumpish	Heavy, clumsy, inert, stupidly dull.	Dull-witted, sluggish, and moving like a dead weight.
mangled	Butchered, deformed, botched, ruinous.	Ruined in appearance, speech, or execution.
mewling	Whimpering, sniveling, crying like a sickly infant.	Incessant, pathetic complaining.
paunchy	Pot-bellied, swollen, bloated.	Carrying a large, unflattering, sagging gut.
pribbling	Quibbling, chattering endlessly over trifles.	Petty, argumentative over insignificant nonsense.
spleeny	Irritable, peevish, ill-tempered, spiteful.	Governed by bad bile; spiteful and easily angered.
villainous	Vile, treacherous, base-born, wicked.	Deceitful and dishonorable down to the marrow.

Column B: Compound Descriptors

Word	Elizabethan Meaning	Practical Context
base-court	Menial, low-class, belonging to the outer stable-yard.	Fit only for stable boys, garbage haulers, and manual dung-work.
beef-witted	Slow, sluggish, having a brain deadened by eating beef.	An Elizabethan belief that heavy beef dulled intellect to bovine levels.
beetle-headed	Heavy-headed, stupid, dull as a mallet (beetle).	Thick-skulled and unable to absorb any new instruction.
boil-brained	Hot-headed, infected of mind, foolishly fevered.	A mind fevered with irrational anger or rot.
clouted	Patched, ragged, rustic, struck like an old rag.	Shoddy, worn out, and clumsy as patched peasant cloth.
crook-pated	Deformed in the head, twisted of intellect.	A deformed skull reflecting a warped, perverse mind.
dog-hearted	Cruel, pitiless, snarling, unfaithful.	Inhumanly callous, without mercy or basic loyalty.
dread-bolted	Struck with dreadful thunderbolts; blasted.	Scorched, blasted, or stunned into mindless ruin.
flap-mouthed	Hanging-jawed, gossiping, loose-lipped.	A sagging mouth that babbles indiscreetly or drools.
goatish	Lustful, ruttish, lecherous.	Behaving like a rutting buck without shame or restraint.
guts-griping	Causing painful intestinal cramps; sickening.	As foul, agonizing, and unwelcome as severe stomach colic.
knotty-pated	Thick-headed, blockheaded (wood-grained like knots).	Hard-headed, stubborn, and completely impervious to reason.
moldwarp	Earth-burrowing, blind, sluggish as a mole.	Literally "mole-like"—blind to reality, grubbing in the dirt.
plume-plucked	Stripped of pride, humbled, deflated.	Like a strutting bird whose feathers have been ripped out.
pox-marked	Scarred by venereal disease or smallpox.	Disfigured by rotting, infectious illness.
rank-scented	Foul-smelling, reeking, rotten.	Stinking of sweat, stale beer, decay, or sewage.
rough-hewn	Unfinished, crude, ill-shaped, unpolished.	Coarse timber or stone hacked out without chisel or polish.
sour-faced	Bitter-visaged, grim, vinegar-mouthed.	A scowling face looking as if it just drank turnip vinegar.
swag-bellied	Sagging-bellied, pendulous of gut.	A flabby, drooping gut hanging over one's belt.
tickle-brained	Flighty, frivolous, easily giddy or drunk.	Drunk on slight drink, erratic, or incapable of serious thought.

Column C: Scoundrels & Nouns

Word	Elizabethan Meaning	Practical Context
apple-john	A withered, wrinkled, dried-out winter apple.	An aged, shriveled, dried-up, or impotent old person.
barnacle	A parasitic crustacean; a clinging parasite.	A leech hanging onto others for food, shelter, or coin.
bladder	A hollow bag of air and waste fluids.	Puffed up with empty wind, urine, and bluster.
bugbear	A goblin, imaginary hobgoblin, or scarecrow.	An absurd, empty terror used to frighten simpletons.
canker-blossom	A caterpillar or fungal parasite that rots flowers in the bud.	Someone who ruins joy, beauty, and budding plans from within.
clotpole	A blockhead, clod of earth, thick dunce.	A lump of soil with eyes; dense and incapable of thought.
flap-dragon	A flaming scrap floating in drink; a worthless morsel.	A cheap, useless trinket swallowed down without consequence.
flax-wench	A common peasant spinner; a loose woman of the street.	Low-born, unrefined, and associated with cheap brothels.
fustilarian	A low scoundrel, stinkard, filthy wretch.	A dirty, foul-smelling degenerate fit only for the gutter.
giglet	A lewd, giddy, giggling, wanton person.	A shallow, untrustworthy, giggling flirt lacking dignity.
horn-beast	A cuckold; an ox-like, cuckolded creature.	An unwitting or mocked man whose wife cheats on him.
lout	An awkward, ill-mannered, brutish boor.	A heavy, thuggish ruffian lacking manners and wit.
malt-worm	A tavern tippler, beer-swiller, chronic drunk.	A perpetual drunkard who lives at the bottom of an ale cask.
mammet	A puppet, doll, idol, or mindless figurehead.	A spineless puppet with no will, operated by others.
pigeon-egg	A puny, inconsequential, fragile thing.	A weakling of no account who breaks under slightest pressure.
puttock	A scavenger kite (bird of prey feeding on carrion).	A cowardly scavenger feeding on garbage and dead scraps.
ronyon	A mangy, scabby, decrepit wretch.	A scabby, skin-diseased outcast who repulses everyone.
skainsmate	A rowdy companion, cutthroat comrade, brawler.	A shady tavern crony accustomed to street brawls and knives.
varlet	A knave, scoundrel, deceitful rogue, menial attendant.	A low-class rascal completely lacking in honor or morals.
whey-face	A pale, cowardly, milk-faced weakling.	One whose face drains white with terror at the hint of danger.

Direct Application Checklist

1. Pick the Target's Flaw:

   • Cowardice: Craven + Dread-bolted + Whey-face.

   • Gluttony / Drunkenness: Gorbellied + Swag-bellied + Malt-worm.

   • Ignorance / Stupidity: Loggerheaded + Beef-witted + Clotpole.

2. Delivery Rhythm: Stress the first adjective, articulate the compound descriptor slowly, and land hard on the final noun.