Roll 3d20 (or three individual twenty-sided dice) to construct a period-authentic slight: preface the result with "Thou..." and combine Column A + Column B + Column C.
| d20 | Column A (Adjective) | Column B (Compound Descriptor) | Column C (Scoundrel / Noun) |
| 1 | artless | base-court | apple-john |
| 2 | bawdy | beef-witted | barnacle |
| 3 | beslubbering | beetle-headed | bladder |
| 4 | bootless | boil-brained | bugbear |
| 5 | churlish | clouted | canker-blossom |
| 6 | cockered | crook-pated | clotpole |
| 7 | craven | dog-hearted | flap-dragon |
| 8 | fawning | dread-bolted | flax-wench |
| 9 | frothy | flap-mouthed | fustilarian |
| 10 | gleeking | goatish | giglet |
| 11 | goatish | guts-griping | horn-beast |
| 12 | gorbellied | knotty-pated | lout |
| 13 | loggerheaded | moldwarp | malt-worm |
| 14 | lumpish | plume-plucked | mammet |
| 15 | mangled | pox-marked | pigeon-egg |
| 16 | mewling | rank-scented | puttock |
| 17 | paunchy | rough-hewn | ronyon |
| 18 | pribbling | sour-faced | skainsmate |
| 19 | spleeny | swag-bellied | varlet |
| 20 | villainous | tickle-brained | whey-face |
Verification & Immediate Usage
Example Roll (7, 12, 19): "Thou craven, knotty-pated varlet!"
Example Roll (16, 2, 6): "Thou mewling, beef-witted clotpole!"
Example Roll (3, 9, 1): "Thou beslubbering, flap-mouthed apple-john!"
You may be asking, what is an apple-john?
An apple-john (often written apple-john or john-apple) is an old variety of winter-keeping apple known for its ability to last for up to two years without spoiling.
Rather than rotting, it cures by drying out, losing moisture until its skin becomes heavily wrinkled, withered, and shriveled like old leather while the interior flesh remains sweet and edible.
Why It Was an Insult
In Elizabethan slang, calling someone an "apple-john" was a jab at someone who looked prematurely aged, withered, flabby, or physically shrunken. It often carried an added snide implication of impotence—someone past their prime whose vigor had completely dried up.
Shakespeare uses the term specifically to mock Sir John Falstaff's age and paunch. In Henry IV, Part 2 (Act 2, Scene 4), Falstaff takes deep offense to the comparison:
"The prince once set a dish of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It angered him to the heart..."
Falstaff refuses to stomach them precisely because of the insult:
"Mass, thou sayst true. The Prince once set a dish of Apple-johns before him... I could not abide Apple-johns."
Mechanics at the Table
If you are using it in game dialogue or social encounters:
Literal meaning: A dried, wrinkled, brown winter apple kept past season.
Target: An aged, desiccated, or withered individual—especially an older braggart trying to act like a young rogue.
Modern equivalent: "Dried-up prune" or "wizened old fossil."
Glossary of Terms:
Column A: Adjectives
| Word | Elizabethan Meaning | Practical Context |
| artless | Crude, lacking craft, uncultured, ignorant. | Someone entirely devoid of wit, refinement, or skill. |
| bawdy | Obscene, lewd, vulgar. | Coarse-mouthed or driven strictly by base appetites. |
| beslubbering | Slobbering, smeared with filth, foul-mouthed. | A dirty, drooling, or verbally repulsive speaker. |
| bootless | Useless, futile, unprofitable. | Someone completely ineffective whose efforts yield nothing. |
| churlish | Rude, ill-mannered, peasant-like, surly. | Boorish behavior entirely lacking in basic decency. |
| cockered | Spoiled, over-indulged, pampering oneself. | A soft, coddled person unused to hardship. |
| craven | Cowardly, spineless, defeatist. | One who flees or begs for mercy at the first sign of peril. |
| fawning | Groveling, sycophantic, flattering for gain. | A boot-licker ingratiating themselves to those in power. |
| frothy | Light, insubstantial, brainless, empty-headed. | All talk and no substance, bubbling with worthless nonsense. |
| gleeking | Scoffing, sneering, mocking, gibing. | One who makes cheap, derisive jokes at others' expense. |
| goatish | Lustful, lecherous, rutting. | Driven entirely by unrestrained sexual or animal appetite. |
| gorbellied | Corpulent, fat-bellied, gluttonous. | Over-stuffed, gross, and weighed down by gluttony. |
| loggerheaded | Blockheaded, thick-skulled, slow of wit. | Hopelessly stupid and incapable of grasping simple points. |
| lumpish | Heavy, clumsy, inert, stupidly dull. | Dull-witted, sluggish, and moving like a dead weight. |
| mangled | Butchered, deformed, botched, ruinous. | Ruined in appearance, speech, or execution. |
| mewling | Whimpering, sniveling, crying like a sickly infant. | Incessant, pathetic complaining. |
| paunchy | Pot-bellied, swollen, bloated. | Carrying a large, unflattering, sagging gut. |
| pribbling | Quibbling, chattering endlessly over trifles. | Petty, argumentative over insignificant nonsense. |
| spleeny | Irritable, peevish, ill-tempered, spiteful. | Governed by bad bile; spiteful and easily angered. |
| villainous | Vile, treacherous, base-born, wicked. | Deceitful and dishonorable down to the marrow. |
Column B: Compound Descriptors
| Word | Elizabethan Meaning | Practical Context |
| base-court | Menial, low-class, belonging to the outer stable-yard. | Fit only for stable boys, garbage haulers, and manual dung-work. |
| beef-witted | Slow, sluggish, having a brain deadened by eating beef. | An Elizabethan belief that heavy beef dulled intellect to bovine levels. |
| beetle-headed | Heavy-headed, stupid, dull as a mallet (beetle). | Thick-skulled and unable to absorb any new instruction. |
| boil-brained | Hot-headed, infected of mind, foolishly fevered. | A mind fevered with irrational anger or rot. |
| clouted | Patched, ragged, rustic, struck like an old rag. | Shoddy, worn out, and clumsy as patched peasant cloth. |
| crook-pated | Deformed in the head, twisted of intellect. | A deformed skull reflecting a warped, perverse mind. |
| dog-hearted | Cruel, pitiless, snarling, unfaithful. | Inhumanly callous, without mercy or basic loyalty. |
| dread-bolted | Struck with dreadful thunderbolts; blasted. | Scorched, blasted, or stunned into mindless ruin. |
| flap-mouthed | Hanging-jawed, gossiping, loose-lipped. | A sagging mouth that babbles indiscreetly or drools. |
| goatish | Lustful, ruttish, lecherous. | Behaving like a rutting buck without shame or restraint. |
| guts-griping | Causing painful intestinal cramps; sickening. | As foul, agonizing, and unwelcome as severe stomach colic. |
| knotty-pated | Thick-headed, blockheaded (wood-grained like knots). | Hard-headed, stubborn, and completely impervious to reason. |
| moldwarp | Earth-burrowing, blind, sluggish as a mole. | Literally "mole-like"—blind to reality, grubbing in the dirt. |
| plume-plucked | Stripped of pride, humbled, deflated. | Like a strutting bird whose feathers have been ripped out. |
| pox-marked | Scarred by venereal disease or smallpox. | Disfigured by rotting, infectious illness. |
| rank-scented | Foul-smelling, reeking, rotten. | Stinking of sweat, stale beer, decay, or sewage. |
| rough-hewn | Unfinished, crude, ill-shaped, unpolished. | Coarse timber or stone hacked out without chisel or polish. |
| sour-faced | Bitter-visaged, grim, vinegar-mouthed. | A scowling face looking as if it just drank turnip vinegar. |
| swag-bellied | Sagging-bellied, pendulous of gut. | A flabby, drooping gut hanging over one's belt. |
| tickle-brained | Flighty, frivolous, easily giddy or drunk. | Drunk on slight drink, erratic, or incapable of serious thought. |
Column C: Scoundrels & Nouns
| Word | Elizabethan Meaning | Practical Context |
| apple-john | A withered, wrinkled, dried-out winter apple. | An aged, shriveled, dried-up, or impotent old person. |
| barnacle | A parasitic crustacean; a clinging parasite. | A leech hanging onto others for food, shelter, or coin. |
| bladder | A hollow bag of air and waste fluids. | Puffed up with empty wind, urine, and bluster. |
| bugbear | A goblin, imaginary hobgoblin, or scarecrow. | An absurd, empty terror used to frighten simpletons. |
| canker-blossom | A caterpillar or fungal parasite that rots flowers in the bud. | Someone who ruins joy, beauty, and budding plans from within. |
| clotpole | A blockhead, clod of earth, thick dunce. | A lump of soil with eyes; dense and incapable of thought. |
| flap-dragon | A flaming scrap floating in drink; a worthless morsel. | A cheap, useless trinket swallowed down without consequence. |
| flax-wench | A common peasant spinner; a loose woman of the street. | Low-born, unrefined, and associated with cheap brothels. |
| fustilarian | A low scoundrel, stinkard, filthy wretch. | A dirty, foul-smelling degenerate fit only for the gutter. |
| giglet | A lewd, giddy, giggling, wanton person. | A shallow, untrustworthy, giggling flirt lacking dignity. |
| horn-beast | A cuckold; an ox-like, cuckolded creature. | An unwitting or mocked man whose wife cheats on him. |
| lout | An awkward, ill-mannered, brutish boor. | A heavy, thuggish ruffian lacking manners and wit. |
| malt-worm | A tavern tippler, beer-swiller, chronic drunk. | A perpetual drunkard who lives at the bottom of an ale cask. |
| mammet | A puppet, doll, idol, or mindless figurehead. | A spineless puppet with no will, operated by others. |
| pigeon-egg | A puny, inconsequential, fragile thing. | A weakling of no account who breaks under slightest pressure. |
| puttock | A scavenger kite (bird of prey feeding on carrion). | A cowardly scavenger feeding on garbage and dead scraps. |
| ronyon | A mangy, scabby, decrepit wretch. | A scabby, skin-diseased outcast who repulses everyone. |
| skainsmate | A rowdy companion, cutthroat comrade, brawler. | A shady tavern crony accustomed to street brawls and knives. |
| varlet | A knave, scoundrel, deceitful rogue, menial attendant. | A low-class rascal completely lacking in honor or morals. |
| whey-face | A pale, cowardly, milk-faced weakling. | One whose face drains white with terror at the hint of danger. |
Direct Application Checklist
Pick the Target's Flaw:
Cowardice: Craven + Dread-bolted + Whey-face.
Gluttony / Drunkenness: Gorbellied + Swag-bellied + Malt-worm.
Ignorance / Stupidity: Loggerheaded + Beef-witted + Clotpole.
Delivery Rhythm: Stress the first adjective, articulate the compound descriptor slowly, and land hard on the final noun.
