Thursday, August 20, 2026

Music: Belly-Ache Rum


The Belly-Ache Rum, is the result of the editor drinking a but too much Kraken Rum, and not feeling so well afterwards. I'm a long time fan of the The Longest Johns and their humorous sea shanties. I hope this offering tickles your bellies.


The Belly-Ache Rum (Lyrics and arrangement)

Genre: Pirate Shanty, Sea Shanties, Folk Rock, Celtic Punk

Instruments: Accordion, Fiddle, Stomp-Clap Rhythm, Acoustic Guitar, Rowdy Male Chorus

Tempo: Fast, Upbeat, Bouncing 6/8 time

Mood: Humorous, Rowdy, Gritty, Drunken

[Intro] [Rowdy tavern laughter, stomping boots, energetic accordion riff] [Shout] Heave ho, you miserable dogs! Pass the bucket!

[Verse 1] We sailed out of port with a barrel of slime, The hardtack has weevils that dance to the time! The salt pork is green and the butter is gray, And half of the crew’s running bowels all day! Old Barnaby’s doubled right over the rail, A-spraying the deck like a spouting blue whale!

[Chorus] Oh, it’s heaving and puking and scratching our hides, A-rocking and rolling on miserable tides! With the belly-ache rum and the bugs in the bed, We’re wishing the captain would shoot us all dead! Hey! Yo-ho, let the foul breezes blow, We’re rotting away down below!

[Verse 2] We paid twenty groats for a jug full of rot, Distilled from swamp water and boiled in a pot! It burns off your liver, it rots out your tongue, And tastes like the bilge of a pig with the lung! One swig makes you spin till you fall on your face, Then you wake in a puddle of shame and disgrace!

[Chorus] Oh, it’s heaving and puking and scratching our hides, A-rocking and rolling on miserable tides! With the belly-ache rum and the bugs in the bed, We’re wishing the captain would shoot us all dead! Hey! Yo-ho, let the foul breezes blow, We’re rotting away down below!

[Bridge] [Fast fiddle solo, stomping accelerates] Now the maiden in Tortuga seemed mighty fine, Till I woke with an itch in me breeches line! They’re marching in battalions, they’re holding the fort, The lively little crabs that we carried from port! A-scratching, a-clawing, we’re dancing a jig, Tearing our britches right off of the rig!

[Verse 3] The ocean is rolling, the storm’s turning black, The dysentery hits with a double attack! You’re green in the gills and you're clutching your gut, While trying to keep the back hatch tightly shut! You can’t reach the bucket, you can't reach the side, So you surrender to God and you ride with the tide!

[Chorus] [All voices shouting loudly in harmony] Oh, it’s heaving and puking and scratching our hides, A-rocking and rolling on miserable tides! With the belly-ache rum and the bugs in the bed, We’re wishing the captain would shoot us all dead! Hey! Yo-ho, let the foul breezes blow, We’re rotting away down below!

[Outro] [Slowing tempo, groaning, fading stomps] Pass the rum... no, pass the bucket... A plague take this blasted ship! [Loud splash, groan] [End]



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Wednesday, August 19, 2026

Silicon Behind the Screen: Why AI Can Parse Rules, but Can’t Run a Table

Simulated empathy can be ironic. (Artwork by Gerald Williams, using AI tools.)

Note from the editor: This article has been revised. 

Every few years, the tabletop hobby panics over a new boogeyman claiming it will render human Game Masters obsolete. Back in the day, nervous traditionalists warned that computerized character generators and tactical mapping software would turn dungeon mastering into a sterile spreadsheet exercise. Later, early virtual tabletop adopters worried that fully automated rule-sets would cut the human referee out of the loop entirely. But none of those earlier innovations ever posed a genuine threat to the person behind the DM screen. They were just tools. They didn't have opinions, they didn't improvise, and they certainly didn't understand why the table erupted in cheers when a wizard rolled a natural twenty to disarm a doomsday device at the absolute last second.

Generative artificial intelligence hits differently, and that is precisely why the anxiety in the community is palpable right now. When you feed a modern language model a rulebook and a fantasy prompt, it doesn't just calculate damage or pull up stat blocks—it writes dialogue, improvises consequence, and generates coherent narrative text in real time. Platforms are already racing to build automated "AI DMs" designed to let solo players run full campaigns without needing to recruit a human referee or herd a group of five adults into matching weekly schedules. The pitch is undeniably tempting for anyone tired of the perpetual scheduling boss fight: instant-access fantasy storytelling, available on demand, with zero prep required.

It is easy to see why some players look at this wave and wonder if the human GM is heading toward extinction. Why spend ten hours prepping dungeon maps, balancing encounter math, and wrangling player schedules when an algorithm can spit out a custom adventure in ten seconds flat?

The answer is simple, even if the tech bros trying to monetize your game night refuse to acknowledge it. AI can calculate combat math, look up obscure rule interactions, and generate descriptive box text for a seedy tavern faster than you can flip open the Monster Manual. But confusing the mechanical processing of a game with the art of running one fundamentally misunderstands why we sit down around a table together in the first place. An algorithm can simulate a dungeon, but it cannot share a human moment with other players.

AI is an instrument. A remarkably sophisticated one, but an instrument nevertheless. It follows prompts, but it cannot genuinely think, nor can it read human psychology across a table in real time. While advanced models can simulate empathetic language and mimic emotional reasoning, they cannot execute those nuances organically. An actual human Game Master must be the one holding the reins. A great video game RPG can deliver an incredible, immersive experience, but it remains fundamentally bounded—a funnel limited by its pre-scripted code. It cannot truly adapt, pivot on a dime, or collaborate with players to create a lived experience that far outpaces technology.

I use generative AI tools myself. They help create character art, set music to my lyrics, and turn half-formed brainstorms into concrete visuals. They enhance my game prep; they do not replace my originality, nor do they override my plots, worldbuilding, or the creative direction of my campaign.

The Mechanics vs. The Room: Where the Algorithm Falls Flat

To really see why an AI can’t sit in the big chair, you have to look at the invisible work that happens on any given game night.

A computer screen looks at a session as pure math and data. It tracks hit points, looks up armor class, rolls digital dice, and spits out flavor text when you push a button. But running a real game is about ten percent rules and ninety percent reading the room.

  • Reading the Table’s Temperature: When you’re sitting behind the screen, you aren't just running monsters—you’re watching your players. You notice when the quiet person at the end of the table hasn't gotten a word in for twenty minutes because the loudmouths took over the planning. You see the slump in someone’s shoulders when a combat slog is running late on a weeknight. You catch that sudden gleam in a player’s eye when an off-the-cuff NPC you invented thirty seconds ago suddenly grabs their attention. When you see that stuff, you adapt on the fly. You have the shopkeeper turn directly to the quiet player and ask their opinion. You silently shave fifteen hit points off a monster behind the screen so everyone goes home happy instead of exhausted. An algorithm has no idea what the room feels like; it just keeps churning out flat text at the exact same pace.

  • The Rule of Cool vs. Rigid Code: The best memories in gaming come from moments where the rules get stretched until they almost break. If a player wants to do something completely unhinged—like strap three shields together and dive off a parapet onto a manticore—a pure rules engine just sees illegal action economy and lethal falling damage. A real GM weighs the actual stakes: Is this ridiculous? Yeah. Is it dangerous? Absolutely. Is the whole group going to talk about it for the next five years if it works? Hell yes. An AI either slams the brakes on because the rules don't allow it, or it hallucinates total nonsense with zero sense of drama. It doesn’t understand the balance between genuine risk, real consequence, and an earned, cinematic payoff.

  • The Joy of Having Your Plans Wrecked: The real magic of tabletop gaming is that it’s completely unpredictable. When your players take three weeks of your carefully planned adventure, throw it out the window, and solve a problem with an idea you never saw coming, a good GM doesn't panic or force them back into a box. You grin, shake your head, and say, "Alright... let's see where this goes." That shared surprise—the table knowing they just caught the GM completely off-guard—is something predictive text can never duplicate. The second you take that mutual unpredictability away, it stops being a living, breathing tabletop game and just becomes an overcomplicated choose-your-own-adventure book.

The Real Risks: When "Convenience" Eats the Craft

If AI isn't going to out-GM a human at a real table, why worry about it at all? The danger isn't that a computer program is going to show up and run a better game than you. The danger is what happens to the hobby when corporations start pushing "automated DMing" as the new normal.

  • The "Forever DM" Funnel Breaks Down: Every single game master started out as a player sitting around a table, watching someone else run the world, and eventually thinking, “I want to try that.” You learn to GM by making mistakes, fumbling through rulebooks, pacing encounters badly, and slowly finding your voice with a group of friends who back you up. If new players get routed into sterile, solo AI "campaigns" because it's easier than finding a group, that natural pipeline dries up. We risk losing an entire generation of new GMs who never learn the craft because they never had to step up to the plate.

  • The Rise of Bland, Corporate Fantasy: When tech companies build "DM-as-a-Service" platforms, they aren't designing them for wild, bespoke homebrew campaigns full of inside jokes and weird local lore. They’re building them to maximize engagement and keep server costs predictable. That means safe, homogenized, paint-by-numbers fantasy tropes. You get the same generic tavern, the same cookie-cutter goblin ambush, and the same predictable dialogue loops. The weird, messy, highly personal flavor of a homebrewed campaign gets sanded down into digital gray paste.

  • Losing the Anchor of the Gathering: The Game Master has always been more than just the referee. The GM is the social glue. They are the person who sends out the group texts, sets the calendar, hosts the table, clears the living room, and keeps a group of busy adults connected year after year. Trading that human anchor for an on-demand software subscription strips away the entire point of the gathering. It turns a living, social community ritual into just another isolated screen-time habit.

The Practical Compromise: AI in the Prep Bag, Not in the Chair

None of this means we need to smash our keyboards and swear off technology. The secret isn't rejecting AI—it's knowing exactly where it belongs in your toolbox. You don't let the software sit behind the screen and run your game. You keep it in your prep bag to handle the tedious grunt work that eats up your free time between sessions.

  • Instant Rolling Tables: If you need a quick table of twenty weird trinkets in an alchemist’s shop, fifteen suspicious rumors heard in a dockside tavern, or a dozen unusual weather hazards for a mountain trek, an LLM will generate them in three seconds flat. You cherry-pick the three best ideas, trash the rest, and keep moving.

  • Brainstorming Sparring Partner: When you hit a creative wall trying to figure out why a cult needs three specific relics, tossing bullet points back and forth with an AI can spark an angle you hadn’t considered. It gives you raw clay; you still do the sculpting.

  • Session Summaries & Formatting: If you take messy, chaotic notes during a four-hour session, feeding them into a tool to clean up timelines, format NPC lists, or generate a quick "Last time on..." recap for your players saves hours of administrative headache.

  • Visuals & Atmosphere: Using generative tools to put a face to a major villain, sketch out a rough battle map concept, or set mood music to an in-game ballad gives your table high-production flair without demanding a graphic design degree or a studio budget.

Use it to crush your prep time so you have more energy left for the actual game. The second you hand over pacing, narrative judgment, or rulings to the software, you've crossed the line from using a tool to surrendering your craft.

The Heart Behind the Screen

At the end of the day, tabletop roleplaying games have survived television, video games, virtual reality, and fifty years of changing digital trends for one simple reason: they are built on a human social contract.

We don't sit down at a table—or log into voice chat on a Sunday night—just to watch a math engine resolve fictional combat. We show up to see our friends do brilliant, reckless, hilarious things. We show up to watch our GM sweat when a plan falls apart, and we show up to share in the collective roar when the dice tell a story nobody at the table expected.

AI can process rules, crunch numbers, and generate endless paragraphs of text. But it will never understand the magic of a group of friends laughing until their ribs hurt around a table littered with dice, character sheets, and cold pizza.

Keep your hands on the reins, use your tools wisely, and don't surrender the screen.

Hump Day Humor #1

Want to help us beat the mid-week slump? We're launching a new feature called Hump Day Humor—a weekly comic or funny post to keep things lively at Portcullis! If you have a great idea or want to contribute, drop us a line via our upper-right Contact Form.

Artwork by Gerald Williams, using Gemini


Note from the Editor: My hands are no longer as steady as they had been, and I had to give up drawing. Thankfully the rise of AI tools has allowed me to be able to create comics and artwork for my blog, and share my stories with others. I am so grateful to be given this freedom that I otherwise would never have.




Comments? Complaints? Questions? You can reach us by using our Contact Form in the upper right-hand corner of the page, or post your questions and comments below. We look forward to hearing from our readers.