New Spell: Mephetic Winds

 

Mephitic Winds

2nd-Level Transmutation (Bard, Sorcerer, Wizard)

• Casting Time: 1 action
  
  
• Range: 60 feet
  
  
• Components: V, S, M (a dried black bean and a pinch of sulfur)
  
  
• Duration: Concentration, up to 1 minute
  
  

You gesture toward a creature within range, violently accelerating the gaseous pressure within its digestive tract. The target must make a Constitution saving throw. On a successful save, the creature suffers only a mild, brief stomach rumble and the spell ends.

On a failed save, the target is afflicted with violent, agonizing flatulence for the duration, suffering the following effects:

• Stealth Denial: The creature cannot attempt Dexterity (Stealth) checks or benefit from being hidden, as loud, rhythmic detonations continually betray its position.
  
  
• Gut Cramps: The creature's movement speed is reduced by 10 feet due to sharp intestinal spasms.
  
  
• Social Ruin: The creature has disadvantage on all Charisma (Persuasion and Deception) checks made against refined or upper-class targets within hearing or smelling range.
  
  

Critical Failure (Natural 1): Catastrophic Evacuation

If the initial saving throw roll is a 1 on the d20, the failure transcends the purely gaseous realm:

• Soiled Smallclothes: The target immediately suffers an acute gastrointestinal betrayal. The victim's movement speed is halved (replacing the 10-foot reduction) until they spend at least 1 minute out of combat cleaning themselves and changing into fresh garments.
  
  
• Profound Humiliation: The creature has disadvantage on all Charisma checks for 1 hour, or until thoroughly bathed and redressed.
  
  

At the end of each of its turns, the target can repeat the Constitution saving throw to end the lingering cramps, emissions, and speed penalty. A successful save does not, however, clean soiled garments.

Now, whether a party member finds this in a dusty scroll tube on Isaac’s clearance rack or Jayfus tries to sell it as an "Ancient Elven Invisibility Cleanser," it is fully ready to cause absolute havoc at the table!

Comments? Complaints? Questions? You can reach us by using our Contact Form in the upper right-hand corner of the page, or post your questions and comments below. We look forward to hearing from our readers.

Adventure Location: The Laughing Beholder

 

Tucked along the bustling thoroughfare of any major settlement or planar crossroads sits The Laughing Beholder, an outfitter and general store with an origin as bizarre as its inventory.

Decades ago, the shop was an ordinary mercantile stall. Over time, adventuring parties brought in heaps of questionably acquired dungeoneering salvage, planar detritus, and aberrant relics. Stored in close quarters, the conflicting magical fields began to bleed together. One morning, the original shopkeeper was gone, replaced on the counter by a large, pulsating egg. For years, patrons conducted business telepathically with the unhatched shell—dishonest customers simply vanished into thin air. Eventually, the shell cracked, and the current proprietor stepped out.

The Proprietor: Isaac B. Holder

Isaac (whose name translates appropriately to "he will laugh") appears as an imposing figure draped in voluminous violet robes with an oversized, shadowed cowl. He keeps his arms tucked across his chest, operating the shop through effortless, silent telekinesis. Scales, ledgers, and floating potion bottles drift across the room at his mental whim.

Nobody has ever seen Isaac's true face beneath the hood, save for the occasional glimpse of a wide, gleaming, needle-fanged grin and a quiet, bubbling chuckle. Transactions and haggling are conducted directly through telepathy, often accompanied by the unsettling sensation of multiple invisible eyes appraising the customer’s surface thoughts.

I.B. Holder, Proprietor

Store Policies & Commercial Codes

Isaac runs a tight, legally binding operation. Patrons find his operating terms posted near the entrance:

• Mundane Goods: Standard equipment, rations, and tools are sold at standard book value. Isaac buys mundane gear only if it serves his clientele, offering standard value or less based on wear, rust, and bloodstains.
  
  
• Magical Oddities: All enchanted items, wondrous relics, and scrolls are sold at +10% over standard book value. Isaac eagerly purchases oddities and actively seeks out cursed, haunted, or malevolent items, offering generous payouts for truly volatile artifacts.
  
  
• The "Life of the Purchaser" Guarantee: Every magical item bought at the +10% rate carries an absolute warranty against defects and magical failures for the natural lifespan of the original buyer.
  
  
• The Mortality Clause: The warranty expires instantly upon biological death. Spells such as Revivify, Raise Dead, Resurrection, or undead reanimation do not restore coverage; the revived individual is legally classified as a newly formed entity.
  
  
• Strict Sanctuary (No Fighting): The shop serves customers of all species, alignments, and planes. Violence, unsheathed steel, or hostile spellcasting results in immediate, undignified neutralization followed by banishment to an inconvenient plane of Isaac's choosing. Banished patrons are permanently trespassed unless they provide a cursed or rare offering exceptional enough to earn Isaac's amusement.
  
  

The Front Stoop: Jayfus & Robert Placidus

Loitering outside the entrance are two permanent fixtures of the storefront: Jayfus, a fast-talking elf clad in patched leathers and a tattered green cloak, and Robert Placidus, a stocky dwarf leaning against a massive greataxe with a braided black beard and an iron helm.

While they spend most of their time bumming around and trying to pawn off swamp-moss "pipeleaf" to passersby, they are technically available for hire. Hiring them requires navigating a dense, itemized contract with Isaac inside.

Services: Jayfus and Robert Placidus will remain within 20 paces of their employer, though their alertness will be questionable at best. They refuse to carry anything heavier that a light satchel, and engaging in actually dangerous activities will be half-hearted unless they themselves are in real danger.

Jayfus will  often make inappropriate comments and suggestive pantomimes at the least convenient moments. Robert will often smoke and be quiet.

Robert Placidus never speaks during negotiations, but if a player rolls a Natural 1 on an Insight or Persuasion check, he slowly turns, makes direct eye contact, and delivers a single, devastatingly profound piece of arcane or architectural wisdom before immediately going silent again.

Petty Malfeasance: Isaac B. Holder is not liable for items that go missing from the employer's pack while in the field.

Counter Curios & Confections

Beside the register sits a display of minor magical treats popular with traveling adventurers:

Confection	Price	Effect
Everlasting Gob-Stuffer	5 gp	Never dissolves; grants a +1 bonus on saves against hunger exhaustion while chewed.
Kaleidoscope Taffy	2 gp	Shifts the eater's skin and hair through bright, cycling colors for 30 minutes.
Fizzing Whiz-Brims	15 gp	Small drops that cause the consumer to hover four inches off the ground for 1 minute.
Dragon-Breath Cinnamon Chews	1 gp	Allows the user to exhale a harmless puff of red sparks and sulfurous smoke.
Screaming Licorice Whips	5 sp	Salty black twists that emit faint groans when bitten or pulled apart.

Comments? Complaints? Questions? You can reach us by using our Contact Form in the upper right-hand corner of the page, or post your questions and comments below. We look forward to hearing from our readers.